uncleal's Diaryland Diary
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Gray Skies are here again!
Have you ever had a day that was just confoundingly awful? I'm not talking Murphy's Law awful, I'm talking no matter what goes right, no matter how beautiful the weather, you just feel like curling up in a little ball and crying until the season changes? I'm not typically very emotional. i normally don't feel this bad for this long. And despite the hours of trying to figure out why I feel this way, I can't get a grip on it.
I want to chalk it up to my ex being exactly what I have come to realize is himself. But I don't actually let other people effect me this way. I want to chalk it up to the complete lack of satisfying sex lately, but I don't know if that should really have an effect on my day-to-day this way. I would like to chalk it up to having no place to call home, but I've lived half my life in this situation, really, so why should now be any different? I would like to chalk it up to the fact that I recently had a miscarriage, and now we've decided to wait until we're settled to try again, but that's the smart move, and nobody said 'never,' so this should be a good thing. (We know we can have babies, so we know we can wait until the timing is better) I really want to chalk this ick feeling up to something sentimental like this is the season of death. My gramma died in November, and my mother in January. But I can't imagine that anniversaries which aren't for whle now are making me feel this crappy. Plus, I'm not that sentimental, really. I mean don't get me wrong, I get a little weepy when I think about all the things those two beautiful women are missing out on, or how much I would like to have called my gramma and tell her that I sewed something the other day. she would have been so proud. Of course it would have brought on a thousand projects just so she could try to motivate me to continue. But it always flattered me that she tried.
Perhaps you're sitting there reading this whiney entry thinking to yourself - "It could be a combination of all those things, you idiot." I suppose it could. it would certainly be nice to have the answer sitting here in front of me.
So let's assume for a moment that it is. Let's try to get down to some sort of solution, then. Shall we?
Problem 1: Mark is a Punk Ass Pussy Bitch Motherfucker.
Solution 1: Get over it. He is a Punk Ass Pussy Bitch Motherfucker, and he always will be a Punk Ass Pussy Bitch Motherfucker. So stop worrying about whata Punk Ass Pussy Bitch Motherfucker he is, and be grateful that you don't have to deal with him anymore.
Problem 2: My sex life is lousy.
Solution 2a: Be patient. Current man is doing everything he can to slim down and make himself more capable in the bedroom.
Solution 2b: Leave current man and try to find somebody as wonderful as he is in every other department - i.e. respectful, patient, loving, responsible, stable, finacially secure, not married.
Solution 2c: Cheat and hope he doesn't notice. (Major problem to this solution is if he does find out, you're up shit's creek with out a paddle, or a place to live)
Problem 3: I live with his parents part time, and him part time.
Solution 3a: Be patient. In seven months' time you will be moving into a place together in a completely different state 1500 miles away.
Solution 3b: Find an apartment and spend every penny you have to pay the rent and bills, but enjoy the freedom of not having anybody watch you as you scratch your ass, or pick your nose.
Problem 4: Miscarriage.
Solution 4: this one's easy. There is no solution. You can't get over the loss you feel when you've lost a baby. The only thing you can do is attempt to tell yourself positive lies like "It was for the best," or, "It wasn't meant to be," or my personal favorite, "At least it happened early." Other than that, you can do nothing. Hope for the best next time, and be sure to allow your body plenty of time to heal, since your heart never can.
Problem 5: Family deaths have occurred sort of near this time of year.
Solution 5: Well, really get used to it. They died. Every year will be the anniversary of their deaths. This never stops. People say the hurt gets easier to deal with over time. This seems to be crap in my opinion because as I get older the more I find I have in common with them, and the more I wish they were around to talk to.
Oh good. I feel much better now.
3:14 p.m. - 2006-11-01
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