uncleal's Diaryland Diary
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so that's what was great about being young...
Sometimes, I have a lot to talk about. Most times, I just talk a lot.
Today will be the latter.
I have a lovely sweetheart who recognizes that when I'm in my bedroom whimpering that it's a good time to bundle up the kids and trek out to visit his mother. I also have a book that I desperately want to read. But more importantly than all of this is my need for friends.
I have very few real life friends. They all live 1100 miles away. And I talk to them on the phone as often as I can (family counts as friends if you like them), but I feel like I need to meet new people. I need to find out if I'm still likeable I know that sounds crazy, but I haven't met anyone new since I got pregnant, and I sometimes worry that being a mommy has made me somehow... not cool.
Not that I was ever running around with an entourage (well there for a while maybe), but I knew that if/when I met someone new they would want to be my friend. And if they didn't, they were probably stupid.
Lately, I find myself fearing that when I meet people they're not going to want to be my friend. Even worse, I'm afraid they will feel like the time they spent talking to me will have been ime wasted.
I am not used to feeling this way. I think this must be what shy people feel like, except I'm not shy. I don't think. Except that maybe I am. Maybe somehow all those hormones from having babies has made me shy. I have the oppurtunity to meet a fellow blogger. She seems like exactly the kind of person I'd want to be friends with. There are a few other bloggers that I'd like to meet as well, and... I find myself scared to pieces to do so.
I know my writing isn't up to par with most of the bloggers I read. If I read my blog, I wouldn't come back, either. It's fine. I have never had any creativity and I'm ok with that. Most of my humor is best when there are facial expressions, and an interactive audience. My html skills are zilch, and it's pretty amazing that I can even do italics on this thing. I want my page to be pretty, but I don't know how, nor do I know what I would even do. I'm tired of diaryland, but only because I don't know how to make it look like anyting but diaryland.
But I don't think that's it. I just can't figure it out. I don't watch tv, so unless it's little einsteins, 'ive no idea what is going on in the popular culture. I haven't been out to see a movie worth talking about since Pirates 3, and that wasn't even that great. I don't leave the house unless it's to go to a park, or the store. and quite frankly, I think I'm scared shitless that if I were to meet someone new I wouldn't have anything to talk about at all. Unless they really wanted to know every nuance of my kids' lives.
But, you know. I'll get it back. I just have to figure out a way. I do want to meet other mommies, but I also want to be able to go out. And now with BF working from home, and I know he's as bored with me as I am with him (which is not to say we're BORED of each other we just both long for friends) I feel a little guilty making new friends that he can't be friends with, too.
But he doesn't get blogging. He doesn't understand why someone would want to put themselves out there to a bunch of strangers. Nor does he feel any desire to read about strangers. So I don't think I should invite him out to meet my blog friends, and I fear inviting them here. even though I have a lovely house that was MADE for entertaining.
I think I'll shut up and play some video games, now. Maybe tomorrow I'll take myself out somewhere fun.
8:57 P.M. - Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2008
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