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uncleal's Diaryland Diary


I wish I were god

Today, I need to speak of matters of the heart. I try to not get too deep in here, because I - well because I don't like to get deep with complete strangers. Hell, I don't even like to get too deep with close aquaintences.

However, my best friend is hurting. She is hurting a lot, and it makes me cry as I sit here in my comfortable, quiet offce. I want so badly to take her pain away. I want her to be shown the kind of life a person with her outlook deserves. She's amart, and funny, and caring. She's the kind of girl who will put her whole life on hold to take care of someone she loves. She loves her children more than life itself. She has made a few bad decisions during her lifetime. As so many of us have. What breaks my heart is that while there are those who make bad decisions time after time, and never learn, and some don't even realize that they were bad decisions, she realizes where and when she went wrong. She doesn't blame anyone but herself for her decsions, and yet she feels stuck in her situation. She's doing what she can to get out of it, she's trying to better her life, and her chances for survival in this world, but during the time it's going to take to set things right in her life, she's forced to live in hell.

I'm not talking the kind of hell where you have to slowly get over a broken heart. Or the kind of hell where your tring to make ends meet while you look for a new job. Nor is this the type of hell where you have to live with someone who is emotionally/mentally abusing you. I'm talking all three of these, plus the increasingly overwhelming feeling that you will never be able to pull yourself out of the pit.

For her the worst part of all this is that she feels like she isn't being the best mom she can be. I've known her for a long time, and I know that she's a great mom. She not only has the knack for knowing how to raise children in general - you know, what's an emergency, what's normal, when to argue, and when to calmly walk away - she also puts her children first in every decision she makes. She loves her girls so fiercly and she is so dedicated to them. Now that I have my son, she is my first phone call every time I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. She calms me down, she dipenses advice without judgement, and she always remembers to ask me the next time we talk if things have gotten better.

The worst part of her pain for me is that I can't do anything to help her but talk to her. I spend time with her, I check on her at least once a day when I can. But that's it. I can't kill the man(men) who is(are) making her feel so small. I can't financially take care of her as I am barely making ends meet myself. And while I desperately want to bring her with me when I move far, far away, I know I can't force her to come with me to a place she may not love as much as I do.

She is my best friend, people! She is the one who understands me, and accepts me, and has even accepted the long periods of silence between us. Knowing that someday we'd talk again, and all would be normal. She is the one I think of first when I think about wanting go out. And it breaks my heart that I can do nothing for her.

I may be done whining about this, I may not, but I have to go to breakfast, so I will try to continue this, hopefully in a more positive light, later.

7:51 a.m. - 2006-11-29


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