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uncleal's Diaryland Diary



I haven't had anything to write about for while. I guess that's apparent. The last few days (weeks?) have been kind of slow for me. I'm tired all of the time. I guess that's normal when you're pregnant, but really, it's a struggle for me to make it through a whole week of waking up in the morning, and then when I get to the weekends, I sleep through them, trying to catch up.

I went looking for a new place to stay yesterday, because quite frankly watching my son turn into a brat because Mom-mom and Pop-pop not only refuse to tell him no, but berate me for it, and stop me from it, is fucking killing me. My son used to be the kind of kid who would be upset by "no" surely, but he would listen to it. Now, he gets this look in his eyes of incredulous disbelief and starts throwing a tantrum when I don't back down. This is not my sweet son. And I have to get him back to being my sweet son, or I'm going to have to kill the grandparents.

I don't know if you all remember by Former Best Friend, but I've been thinking about her a lot lately. And not just because her ex-boyfriend called me recently. And not because I'm moving somewhere I think she'd love, although to be sure, that's part of it. I was talking about her to a co-worker the other day, and he asked me what she did to destroy the friendship. And I had to laugh. There wasn't a monumental thing, you know? She just up and decided one day that she didn't want me to be her friend, and that she didn't even want to know I existed. After that, she did a lot of stupid things to cement it for me that we couldn't just "kiss and make up." But the end was kind of anti-climactic. He asked me what I liked about her, why after more than two years I still wish things had gone differently. And mostly what I came up with was that we had fun together. She's a fun person. And I'm no longer in a place where I can have that kind of fun, I'm the mother of a toddler, and I have another on the way. I can't go out during the week and get drunk, or even on the weekends for that matter. I can't do the things we used to do, but even if I could, without her, they just seem a little... less. I mean when I wasn't pregnant with either my son, or this new baby, I did go out to bars. Sometimes with my friends, sometimes alone, and everytime, it just wasn't the same. And don't get me wrong, I had fun. And the friends I hang out with now - I really don't want to hurt their feelings by making it sound like they don't measure up to her, because I don't have a yardstick that I'm holding up to them at all. They're great! And the timing is perfect, because while FBF is what I needed then, Current Best Friend is what I need now. And I'm blessed to have her. But the relationship is different. I lived with FBF for two years and we became something more than just friends. And sometimes, it makes me cry that we can't ever get that back. Here is something she wrote about me before it all went wrong. Back in the days when we were inseperable. Back when she was just getting started in the relationship that finally ended ours - even though everybody warned us that it would, we didn't believe it until it was too late.

"And for all of you that can't understand this, let me try to put it into some kind of perspective for you. [Uncleal] and I are like family to each other, and we care about each other more than I could possibly explain to you. Each other's happiness is oftentimes more important than our own. We have gone through some pretty rough and crazy times, we've fought and hurt each other and cried and yelled. But we've always come out the other side stronger and better for it. We've always been honest with each other above all else, and we always will be. We'll always be there for the other one. We go through times where one of us is unhappy for some reason or other, and the other one can't fix it or make it better, but we do what we can. Our friendship is indestructible, or at least that's how it feels."

Honest. I wrote about this before I think. The boy she was with had hit on me one night when I was going out by myself. He wound up at the same bar, and he asked me back to his place. Told me she would never have to know. I told him no, and to stop asking because it was putting me in an uncomfortable place - wanting to tell my BF that her man was an asshole, and not wanting to be te one that delivered the news that would break her heart. He apologized, said he never would agian, and I chose to keep the whole thing to myself. And after that, every day was a lie. Everyday that I didn't tell her what had transpired, was a nail in the coffin of our friendship.

Of course, I didn't see it that way at the time. If I had, I would have rushed home to tell her. I thought I was protecting her from the pain. and by the time I did see it, it was too late, and months had passed, and the coffin was airtight.

But enough of her, back to me.

I'm having hard time caring about anything at work. I know I only have 4 months left there, and it means that I don't care what happens after I leave. And I hardly care what happens while I'm there. I know I need to keep the job in order to be able to pay for the move, so I guess I care a little, but holy christ, if I could just fast forward to the part where I have moved already, and get through all this dull day to day crap, I know I would be much happier. I think I'm all done making sure that the database is perfect, so if they fuck it up again, I'm going to shoot someone. and if Chicago doesn't start recruiting more patients, filling out the data, I'm going to shoot them.

In other news, my dad's gig is fast approaching, and I'm getting pretty excited about it. I have a house-warming party to go to the same day, so it's going to be a busy day. One where at the end of it, I will be so tired, I will probably fall asleep at the wheel. Because if I think for a minute that my man is going to drive home from that far when I'm perfectly capable of doing so, I'd be off my rocker. He hates to drive, and hates the area we're going to even more. So no chance. But I do like watching my dad perform, so I won't complain.

I can't wait until we move. I hate cold weather, I hate living in other people's homes, and I hate having to not see my son for 10 hours every day. 4 months feels like an eternity. I hope my dad will come to visit me, but I suspect he won't. I hope my brothers will make the trip, but I suspect they won't either. And my CBF had BETTER make the trip at least down. She doesn't have to come back up. I want her to move down with me, but she's in school right now, but I'm hoping against hope that she will move down after she graduates. Probably, she won't. She's got a lot of reasons for staying here, but I say phooey on them all, I'll make the new life better than she could have dreamed! Oh well. I guess I should do something productive with my day. Maybe I'll see about getting my son's social security card.

12:38 P.M. - Thursday, Feb. 01, 2007


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