uncleal's diary 2 comments so far

uncleal's Diaryland Diary


tears of love

****Disclaimer**** I did not write this post. I copied and pasted it in its entirety from Bukowskistit. The reason I post it here, now, is because it portrays how I was feeling once upon a time, but I am neither smart enough, nor thoughtful enough to have put it into words. And in case she ever decides to take down her site (which looks possible, since she hasn't written since Thanksgiving) I didn't want to forget this. So in case I ever feel this way again, maybe I can read it, and possibly explain myself, before I just savagely destroy the friendship.


****Back to me being original, and not a theft of other's ability to put into words my heart.****

I know I should just stop. I know I should just let it all be. But for some reason, I want to shout at the world that it is not fair. Why do people let their hearts get the better of them? I know that the heart makes you feel so good, but really, doesn't it hurt you so much, too? Why allow it to run you? Why even allow it to speak much of the time? I'm not saying that I deal with my heart in the most healthy of ways. I almost never let it get in the way at all. I almost never let it out of its box. But you know, I see the way a heart can destroy someone, take them out of commission for a looong time, sometimes forseemingever. and I think to myself, why would I want to do that? I am so much happier allowing my brain to dictate the way things go. If I followed my heart, I'd be a crazy stalker chic. If i followed my heart, I'd have died trying to convince one person, that they were wrong. I did love them, and no matter what their crazy heart/head/depression/whatever was telling them, I would always love them, and if they were really going to walk away from that, I really had no reason to go on. Sometimes, I still feel like my life ended that day. Sometimes, I still feel like everything that has happened since then, has just been what happens to a person when they give up, but have so much good karma built up that even on auto-pilot things go well.

But I didn't. I don't let my heart rule me. And it hurts so much when I watch other people - my friends - putting so much stock in what their heart is telling them. The heart is a liar, it is a drug addict, it is the crack head that will tell you anything to your face, while taking twenty dollars from your purse. It does not realize that while withdrawal is hard,painful even, it is the best course of action. The heart tells so many lies, why would anybody follow it anywhere? And yet they do. And I get left behind, because much like the friend/relative who puts the crack head in rehab, I am the one who is dismissed as not caring, not seeing the truth, not "being there" for them. When really, all I'm doing is trying to help them see what's going on in the world when you take the heart out of the equation.

And I don't know how many times I'll have to say this in my life. I don't know how many times I'll watch this happen to people I love. But I'll say it again, I'll say it publicly, and I'll probably say it every time I feel the need.

Just because he treats you better than anyone else before ever has, does not mean he is treating you well enough to give yourself over to him. Just because he is better than your current situation, does not mean that he is the answer to the wishes/prayers you send up. And just because I say these things, and roll my eyes when you talk about him, does not mean that I don't love you. I love you. I love you very much, and I want the best for you. I do not believe he is it. I will be VERY hard to convince, and only he can do it. And he doesn't seem like he even wants to.

I hope I don't lose you too.

10:33 A.M. - Monday, Feb. 19, 2007


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