uncleal's diary 2 comments so far

uncleal's Diaryland Diary


a long and winding road

Well, here I am again. Feeling a bit like going home and taking a shower, and playing at the park. I wish I didn't need the money that I am working for here. I think that if I took my paycheck, and subtracted out the cost of daycare, rent, gas, tolls - all of which I could stop paying if I quit my job and moved in with my boyfriend for the last two months that we're here - I probably only make about $200 a pay. And is $200 worth all the boring having to get up in the morning, and come here and stare at the computer screen hoping that my blogger friends have updated? You betcha! And the reason for that is: every penny we save, is a penny we can spend on things we're going to need right away. A new bed, a new computer, car repairs, pool accessories. I can't think of anything else right now, but I'm sure there is a lot of stuff.

So mostly I'm trying to convince myself not to fake a terrible migraine and go home to enjoy the beautiful weather. I wonder if its working? Seems to be so far, anyway. Since I'm still here.

I'm trying to order and buy my new bed as we speak I write this. It's a Memory Foam King size bed, and they're having a huge sale which will save me lots o' moolah! YAY! I get the bed I've always wanted, and it's actually going to be affordable! And, even though I thought this part is silly, we'll have it before we move, so we may actually get a good night's sleep while we're stressing over whether or not we packed everything.

I've been uncontrollably randy since I posted the survey about my sex life. It's a little unnerving. I think it may be due to all this fine weather we're having, because when I drive home with my windows down, and the music blasting, something makes me want to call up some fine piece and invite him over for some fun. Of course, instead of doing that, I go home, eat dinner, and bathe my son before putting him to bed, and crashing shortly after.

I used to be such a tramp. I used to have at least three boys on my calling circle, who would jump when they saw my number on their caller id, and I never cared if I had a boyfriend who may get hurt. Well, I did care, which is why I chose to be single for so long. But I thought then that I would stay single forever, because I didn't want to ever be in a position to hurt someone again. And here I am, not so single, thinking thoughts similar to those I used to think, but acting in a completely different manner. Is this maturity? Or settling? Are they synonymous? I know that in large part, this is due to my being a mom, now. I don't want my children to grow up not feeling like they are number one in my life. I also want them to know what a stable relationship looks like. I've made the decision to believe that just because I don't see anything wrong with a woman who likes to live the bachelor's life, doesn't mean they will see me as a strong individual who doesn't "need anybody to make me happy" - they may just see a slut. And while I definitely don't give a rat's ass what the rest of the world thinks, I do care what my children think, and what they learn is acceptable. But maybe having chosen a partner who doesn't strike me as physically attractive - maybe that was a bad choice. How do you know? I know that he is everything else I ever imagined a man could be. Smart, sweet, strong, kind, sensitive, funny, loving, and so much more. I think some days it's a problem with me that has me longing for a different partner in the bedroom. Other days, I feel like I was tricked into this relationship, and I resent it.

But I really came here to talk about how much money I thought we had saved for our move, and how much it looks like it's going to cost for our incidentals. It seems like the more money we have, the more we find we have to spend.

11:18 A.M. - Wednesday, Mar. 28, 2007


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